april hopes-第54部分

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mother。

Alice　showed　Dan　the　letter；　and　he　seemed　to　find　nothing　noticeable　in
it。　　〃She　says　your　mother　will　write　later；〃　Alice　suggested。

〃Yes。　　You　ought　to　feel　very　much　complimented　by　that。　　Mother's
autographs　are　pretty　uncommon；〃　he　said；　smiling。

〃Why；　doesn't　she　write？　　Can't　she？　　Does　it　tire　her？〃　asked　Alice。

〃Oh　yes；　she　can　write；　but　she　hates　to。　　She　gets　Eunice　or　Minnie　to
write　usually。〃

〃Dan；〃　cried　Alice　intensely；　〃why　didn't　you　tell　me？〃

〃Why；　I　thought　you　knew　it；〃　he　explained　easily。　　〃She　likes　to　read；
and　likes　to　talk；　but　it　bores　her　to　write。　　I　don't　suppose　I　get　more
than　two　or　three　pencil　scratches　from　her　in　the　course　of　a　year。　　She
makes　the　girls　write。　　But　you　needn't　mind　her　not　writing。　　You　may　be
sure　she's　glad　of　your　letters。〃

〃It　makes　me　seem　very　presumptuous　to　be　writing　to　her　when　there's　no
chance　of　her　answering；〃　Alice　grieved。　　〃It's　as　if　I　had　passed　over
your　sisters'　heads。　　I　ought　to　have　written　to　them。〃

〃Oh；　well；　you　can　do　that　now；〃　said　Dan　soothingly。

〃No。　　No；　I　can't　do　it　now。　　It　would　be　ridiculous。〃　　She　was　silent；
and　presently　she　asked；　〃Is　there　anything　else　about　your　mother　that　I
ought　to　know？〃　　She　looked　at　him　with　a　sort　of　impending　discipline　in
her　eyes　which　he　had　learned　to　dread；　it　meant　such　a　long　course　of
things；　such　a　very　great　variety　of　atonement　and　expiation　for　him；　that
he　could　not　bring　himself　to　confront　it　steadily。

His　heart　gave　a　feeble　leap；　he　would　have　gladly　told　her　all　that　was
in　it；　and　he　meant　to　do　so　at　the　right　time；　but　this　did　not　seem　the
moment。　　〃I　can't　say　that　there　is；〃　he　answered　coldly。

In　that　need　of　consecrating　her　happiness　which　Alice　felt；　she　went　a
great　deal　to　church　in　those　days。　　Sometimes　she　felt　the　need　almost　of
defence　against　her　happiness；　and　a　vague　apprehension　mixed　with　it。
Could　it　be　right　to　let　it　claim　her　whole　being；　as　it　seemed　to　do？
Than　was　the　question　which　she　once　asked　Dan；　and　it　made　him　laugh；　and
catch　her　to　him　in　a　rapture　that　served　for　the　time；　and　then　left　her
to　more　morbid　doubts。　　Evidently　he　could　not　follow　her　in　them；　he
could　not　even　imagine　them；　and　while　he　was　with　her　they　seemed　to　have
no　verity　or　value。　　But　she　talked　them　over　very　hypothetically　and
impersonally　with　Miss　Cotton；　in　whose　sympathy　they　resumed　all　their
import；　and　gained　something　more。　　In　the　idealisation　which　the　girl
underwent　in　this　atmosphere　all　her　thoughts　and　purposes　had　a
significance　which　she　would　not　of　herself；　perhaps；　have　attached　to
them。　　They　discussed　them　and　analysed　them　with　a　satisfaction　in　the
result　which　could　not　be　represented　without　an　effect　of　caricature。
They　measured　Alice's　romance　together；　and　evolved　from　it　a　sublimation
of　responsibility；　of　duty；　of　devotion；　which　Alice　found　it　impossible
to　submit　to　Dan　when　he　came　with　his　simple…hearted；　single…minded
purpose　of　getting　Mrs。　Pasmer　out　of　the　room；　and　sitting　down　with　his
arm　around　Alice's　waist。　　When　he　had　accomplished　this　it　seemed
sufficient　in　itself；　and　she　had　to　think；　to　struggle　to　recall　things
beyond　it；　above　it。　　He　could　not　be　made　to　see　at　such　times　how　their
lives　could　be　more　in　unison　than　they　were。　　When　she　proposed　doing
something　for　him　which　he　knew　was　disagreeable　to　her；　he　would　not　let
her；　and　when　she　hinted　at　anything　she　wished　him　to　do　for　her　because
she　knew　it　was　disagreeable　to　him；　he　consented　so　promptly；　so
joyously；　that　she　perceived　he　could　not　have　given　the　least　thought　to
it。

She　felt　every　day　that　they　were　alien　in　their　tastes　and　aims；　their
pleasures　were　not　the　same；　and　though　it　was　sweet；　though　it　was
charming；　to　have　him　give　up　so　willingly　all　his　preferences；　she　felt；
without　knowing　that　the　time　must　come　when　this　could　not　be　so；　that　it
was　all　wrong。

〃But　these　very　differences；　these　antagonisms；　if　you　wish　to　call　them
so；〃　suggested　Miss　Cotton；　in　talking　Alice's　misgivings　over　with　her；
〃aren't　they　just　what　will　draw　you　together　more　and　more？　　Isn't　it
what　attracted　you　to　each　other？　　The　very　fact　that　you　are　such　perfect
counterparts〃

〃Yes；〃　the　girl　assented；　〃that's　what　we're　taught　to　believe。〃　　She
meant　by　the　novels；　to　which　we　all　trust　our　instruction　in　such
matters；　and　her　doubt　doubly　rankled　after　she　had　put　it　to　silence。

She　kept　on　writing　to　Dan's　mother；　though　more　and　more　perfunctorily；
and　now　Eunice　and　now　Minnie　Mavering　acknowledged　her　letters。　　She　knew
that　they　must　think　she　was　silly；　but　having　entered　by　Dan's　connivance
upon　her　folly；　she　was　too　proud　to　abandon　it。

At　last；　after　she　had　ceased　to　expect　it；　came　a　letter　from　his　mother；
not　a　brief　note；　but　a　letter　which　the　invalid　had　evidently　tasked
herself　to　make　long　and　full；　in　recognition　of　Alice's　kindness　in
writing　to　her　so　much。　　The　girl　opened　it；　and；　after　a　verifying　glance
at　the　signature；　began　to　read　it　with　a　thrill　of　tender　triumph；　and
the　fond　prevision　of　the　greater　pleasure　of　reading　it　again　with　Dan。

But　after　reading　it　once　through；　she　did　not　wait　for　him　before　reading
it　again　and　again。　　She　did　this　with　bewilderment；　intershot　with
flashes　of　conviction；　and　then　doubts　of　this　conviction。　　When　she　could
misunderstand　no　longer；　she　rose　quietly　and　folded　the　letter；　and　put
it　carefully　back　into　its　envelope　and　into　her　writing　desk；　where　she
sat　down　and　wrote；　in　her　clearest　and　firmest　hand；　this　note　to
Mavering

〃I　wish　to　see　you　immediately。

〃ALICE　PASMER。〃




XLIII

Dan　had　learned；　with　a　lover's　keenness；　to　read　Alice's　moods　in　the
most　colourless　wording　of　her　notes。　　She　was　rather　apt　to　write　him
notes；　taking　back　or　reaffirming　the　effect　of　something　that　had　just
passed　between　them。　　Her　note　were　tempered　to　varying　degrees　of　heat
and　cold；　so　fine　that　no　one　else　would　have　felt　the　difference；　but
sensible　to　him　in　their　subtlest　intention。

Perhaps　a　mere　witness　of　the　fact　would　have　been　alarmed　by　a　note　which
began　without　an　address；　except　that　on　the　envelope；　and　ended　its
peremptory　brevity　with　the　writer's　name　signed　in　full。　　Dan　read
calamity　in　it；　and　he　had　all　the　more　trouble　to　pull　himself　together
to　meet　it　because　he　had　parted　with　unusual　tenderness　from　Alice　the
night　before；　after　an　evening　in　which　it　seemed　to　him　that　their　ideals
had　been　completely　reconciled。

The　note　came；　as　her　notes　were　apt　to　come；　while　Dan　was　at　breakfast；
which　he　was　rather　luxurious　about　for　so　young　a　man；　and　he　felt
formlessly　glad　afterward　that　he　had　drunk　his　first　cup　of　coffee　before
he　opened　it；　for　it　chilled　the　second　cup；　and　seemed　to　take　all
character　out　of　the　omelet。

He　obeyed　it；　wondering　what　the　doom　menaced　in　it　might　be；　but　knowing
that　it　was　doom；　and　leaving　his　breakfast　half…finished；　with　a　dull
sense　of　the　tragedy　of　doing　so。

He　would　have　liked　to　ask　for　Mrs。　Pasmer　first；　and　interpose　a　moment
of　her　cheerful　unreality　between　himself　and　his　interview　with　Alice；
but　he　decided　that　he　had　better　not　do　this；　and　they　met　at　once；　with
the　width　of　the　room　between　them。　　Her　look　was　one　that　made　it
impassable　to　the　simple　impulse　he　usually　had　to　take　her　in　his　arms
and　kiss　her。　　But　as　she　stood　holding　out　a　letter　to　him；　with　the
apparent　intention　that　he　should　come　and　take　it；　he　traversed　the
intervening　space　and　took　it。

〃Why；　it's　from　mother！〃　he　said　joyously；　with　a　glance　at　the
handwriting。

〃Will　you　please　explain　it？〃　said　Alice；　and　Dan　began　to　read　it。

It　began　with　a　good　many　excuses　for　not　having　written　before；　and　went
on　with　a　pretty　expression　of　interest　in　Alice's　letters　and　gratitude
for　them；　Mrs。　Mavering　assured　the　girl　that　she　could　not　imagine　what　a
pleasure　they　had　been　to　her。　　She　promised　herself　that　they　should　be
great　friends；　and　she　said　that　she　looked　forward　eagerly　to　the　time；
now　drawing　near；　when　Dan　should　bring　her　home　to　them。　　She　said　she
knew　Alice　would　find　it　dull　at　the　Falls　except　for　him；　but　they　would
all　do　their　best；　and　she　would　find　the　place　very　different　from　what
she　had　seen　it　in　the　winter。　　Alice　could　make　believe　that　she　was
there　just　for　the　summer；　and　Mrs。　Mavering　hoped　that　before　the　summer
was　gone　she　would　be　so　sorry　for　a　sick　old　woman　that　she　would　not
even　wish　to　go　with　it。　　This　part　of　the　letter；　which　gave　Dan　away　so
hopelessly；　as　he　felt；　was　phrased　so　touchingly；　that　he　looked　up　from
it　with　moist　eyes　to　the　hard　cold　judgment　in　the　eyes　of　Alice。

〃Will　you　please　explain　it？〃　she　repeated。

He　tried　to　temporise。　　〃Explain　what？〃

Alice　was　prompt　to　say；　〃Had　you　promised　your　mother　to　take　me　home　to
live？〃

Dan　did　not　answer。

〃You　promised　my　mother　to　go　abroad。　　What　else　have　you　promised？〃　　He
continued　silent；　and　she　added；　〃You　are　a　faithless　man。〃　　They　were　the
words　of　Romola；　in　the　romance；　to　Tito；　she　had　often　admired　them；　and
they