the new machiavelli-第34部分
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table had been new; my uncle had taken to asking in a few approved
friends for an occasional game; but mostly the billiard…room was for
glory and the girls。 Both of them played very well。 They never; so
far as I know; dined out; and when at last after bitter domestic
conflicts they began to go to dances; they went with the quavering
connivance of my aunt; and changed into ball frocks at friends'
houses on the way。 There was a tennis club that formed a convenient
afternoon rendezvous; and I recall that in the period of my earlier
visits the young bloods of the district found much satisfaction in
taking girls for drives in dog…carts and suchlike high…wheeled
vehicles; a disposition that died in tangled tandems at the
apparition of motor…car's。
My aunt and uncle had conceived no plans in life for their daughters
at all。 In the undifferentiated industrial community from which
they had sprung; girls got married somehow; and it did not occur to
them that the concentration of property that had made them wealthy;
had cut their children off from the general social sea in which
their own awkward meeting had occurred; without necessarily opening
any other world in exchange。 My uncle was too much occupied with
the works and his business affairs and his private vices to
philosophise about his girls; he wanted them just to keep girls;
preferably about sixteen; and to be a sort of animated flowers and
make home bright and be given things。 He was irritated that they
would not remain at this; and still more irritated that they failed
to suppress altogether their natural interest in young men。 The
tandems would be steered by weird and devious routes to evade the
bare chance of his bloodshot eye。 My aunt seemed to have no ideas
whatever about what was likely to happen to her children。 She had
indeed no ideas about anything; she took her husband and the days as
they came。
I can see now the pathetic difficulty of my cousins' position in
life; the absence of any guidance or instruction or provision for
their development。 They supplemented the silences of home by the
conversation of schoolfellows and the suggestions of popular
fiction。 They had to make what they could out of life with such
hints as these。 The church was far too modest to offer them any
advice。 It was obtruded upon my mind upon my first visit that they
were both carrying on correspondences and having little furtive
passings and seeings and meetings with the mysterious owners of
certain initials; S。 and L。 K。; and; if I remember rightly; 〃the R。
N。〃 brothers and cousins; I suppose; of their friends。 The same
thing was going on; with a certain intensification; at my next
visit; excepting only that the initials were different。 But when I
came again their methods were maturer or I was no longer a
negligible quantity; and the notes and the initials were no longer
flaunted quite so openly in my face。
My cousins had worked it out from the indications of their universe
that the end of life is to have a 〃good time。〃 They used the
phrase。 That and the drives in dog…carts were only the first of
endless points of resemblance between them and the commoner sort of
American girl。 When some years ago I paid my first and only visit
to America I seemed to recover my cousins' atmosphere as soon as I
entered the train at Euston。 There were three girls in my
compartment supplied with huge decorated cases of sweets; and being
seen off by a company of friends; noisily arch and eager about the
〃steamer letters〃 they would get at Liverpool; they were the very
soul…sisters of my cousins。 The chief elements of a good time; as
my cousins judged it; as these countless thousands of rich young
women judge it; are a petty eventfulness; laughter; and to feel that
you are looking well and attracting attention。 Shopping is one of
its leading joys。 You buy things; clothes and trinkets for yourself
and presents for your friends。 Presents always seemed to be flying
about in that circle; flowers and boxes of sweets were common
currency。 My cousins were always getting and giving; my uncle
caressed them with parcels and cheques。 They kissed him and he
exuded sovereigns as a stroked APHIS exudes honey。 It was like the
new language of the Academy of Lagado to me; and I never learnt how
to express myself in it; for nature and training make me feel
encumbered to receive presents and embarrassed in giving them。 But
then; like my father; I hate and distrust possessions。
Of the quality of their private imagination I never learnt anything;
I suppose it followed the lines of the fiction they read and was
romantic and sentimental。 So far as marriage went; the married
state seemed at once very attractive and dreadfully serious to them;
composed in equal measure of becoming important and becoming old。 I
don't know what they thought about children。 I doubt if they
thought about them at all。 It was very secret if they did。
As for the poor and dingy people all about them; my cousins were
always ready to take part in a Charitable Bazaar。 They were unaware
of any economic correlation of their own prosperity and that
circumambient poverty; and they knew of Trade Unions simply as
disagreeable external things that upset my uncle's temper。 They
knew of nothing wrong in social life at all except that there were
〃Agitators。〃 It surprised them a little; I think; that Agitators
were not more drastically put down。 But they had a sort of
instinctive dread of social discussion as of something that might
breach the happiness of their ignorance。 。 。 。
5
My cousins did more than illustrate Marx for me; they also undertook
a stage of my emotional education。 Their method in that as in
everything else was extremely simple; but it took my inexperience by
surprise。
It must have been on my third visit that Sybil took me in hand。
Hitherto I seemed to have seen her only in profile; but now she
became almost completely full face; manifestly regarded me with
those violet eyes of hers。 She passed me things I needed at
breakfastit was the first morning of my visitbefore I asked for
them。
When young men are looked at by pretty cousins; they become
intensely aware of those cousins。 It seemed to me that I had
always admired Sybil's eyes very greatly; and that there was
something in her temperament congenial to mine。 It was odd I had
not noted it on my previous visits。
We walked round the garden somewhen that morning; and talked about
Cambridge。 She asked quite a lot of questions about my work and my
ambitions。 She said she had always felt sure I was clever。
The conversation languished a little; and we picked some flowers for
the house。 Then she asked if I could run。 I conceded her various
starts and we raced up and down the middle garden path。 Then; a
little breathless; we went into the new twenty…five guinea summer…
house at the end of the herbaceous border。
We sat side by side; pleasantly hidden from the house; and she
became anxious about her hair; which was slightly and prettily
disarranged; and asked me to help her with the adjustment of a
hairpin。 I had never in my life been so near the soft curly hair
and the dainty eyebrow and eyelid and warm soft cheek of a girl; and
I was stirred
It stirs me now to recall it。
I became a battleground of impulses and inhibitions。
〃Thank you;〃 said my cousin; and moved a little away from me。
She began to talk about friendship; and lost her thread and forgot
the little electric stress between us in a rather meandering
analysis of her principal girl friends。
But afterwards she resumed her purpose。
I went to bed that night with one propostion overshadowing
everything else in my mind; namely; that kissing my cousin Sybil was
a difficult; but not impossible; achievement。 I do not recall any
shadow of a doubt whether on the whole it was worth doing。 The
thing had come into my existence; disturbing and interrupting its
flow exactly as a fever does。 Sybil had infected me with herself。
The next day matters came to a crisis in the little upstairs
sitting…room which had been assigned me as a study during my visit。
I was working up there; or rather trying to work in spite of the
outrageous capering of some very primitive elements in my brain;
when she came up to me; under a transparent pretext of looking for a
book。
I turned round and then got up at the sight of her。 I quite forget
what our conversation was about; but I know she led me to believe I
might kiss her。 Then when I attempted to do so she averted her
face。
〃How COULD you?〃 she said; 〃I didn't mean that!〃
That remained the state of our relations for two days。 I developed
a growing irritation with and rese